At the beginning of this year, the words God gave me for this year was rest and trust. In January, I had no idea how that would how literally this would play out in my life this year. And honestly when God gave me these words I did not understand why He gave them to me.
My feelings in the last year, I think for the most part have been nonexistent/numb to keep status quo or there has been sadness as I process things that had happened or that were going on inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments of joy and when they happen I try to take note of them.
But through this all I still struggled with myself and the direction that God has called me to. I struggled with myself because I love my career in social work and the community I work in. And I love visual storytelling and photography especially with elderly. There was this tension between the two because I felt that if I leave social work I am leaving a career that I have built and love for over 10 years. And I was letting myself and others around me down by leaving social work. But I knew that if I did not see where my business might go that I was going to regret that and I could not live with that.
Recently I have been faced with one of the hardest things that I have had to go through in my adult life. While I am still in the midst of it all, there are a few things I have learned in last couple weeks.
It is in this waiting place that we often get impatient and frustrated with God and life. And we can ruin what God make have in store for us.
I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into when I started working in social services. You see I kinda stumbled on this field. When I was in college, I started out as a business management major. I loved business and still do to this day but it didn’t feel like the right fit. I met with a career advisor at my college and I was asked “Would you rather work with people or numbers?”
And I almost wore this jaded filter as a badge of honor. I thought it was okay to view my clients that I worked with through this jaded filter. In some ways, I thought I was being wise when I looked at my clients with this jaded filter. I remember telling a coworker that I can tell she is early on in her career because of the hope and optimism that she has in a situation with a client.
And if I am honest I have been the person who has had these thoughts at one time or another in my life time. It is so easy to judge others when we know little to nothing about the other person. We don’t know their story or what has brought them to where they are today.
1. My wake up call
It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts. I remember feeling so broken. I ended up leaving work early that day.