In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for). Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why. The only word that came to mind is that I am tired. God continued to wreck my life in that last year.
In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room. I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job. But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint. The only thing that came to mind that I was tired. I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.
I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why. And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed. I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling. It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.
These feelings would cycle every couple months. And each cycle it would get stronger and worse. My last cycle came at the end of March 2019. This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying. It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart. I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts. I remember feeling so broken.
But this day was a wake up call for me. It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out. That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life. Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.
God was present with my through the whole day. He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me. I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.
One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work. If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career? Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job? Could I actually do it? Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long? There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.
***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this. They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***