Joy and excitement … it’s not something that is familiar to me recently or even in the last year. My feelings in the last year, I think for the most part have been nonexistent/numb to keep status quo or there has been sadness as I process things that had happened or that were going on inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments of joy and when they happen I try to take note of them.
At church recently we sang a song called “Raise a Hallelujah.” And I was overcome with joy as we sang this song.
I had a friend make a comment to me in the last year about my smile. He said to me “Your smile is different tonight.” I commented back him “I always smile.” He replied with “Tonight’s smile is different. It’s been a while since I have seen that smile.” As we talked about it more, I told him that a sense of joy came the night before and had not left yet. He wondered if there was anything different that would have caused the joy. I could not remember anything different that would have caused the joy to come. But it was refreshing to have it. In some ways his comment caught me off guard initially. But it got me thinking how often to I smile and it is a cover up or it’s just something out of habit. Or how often is my smile a genuine smile. A smile of happiness, joy and excitement.
Last night we had an amazing sunset and I got to capture it. And as I was walking back to my car, I caught myself smiling and feeling excited because I knew that I got to witness and capture one of God’s amazing wonders.
I would have moments of joy at my former job with participants completing their own goals working towards self sustainability. This is one example a participant found a full time job with benefits that would lead to self sustainability for her and her children eventually.
During this transition of leaving a career that I was in for 10.5 years, the most common question that I got “are you excited for what is next?” And I would generally reply with “I don’t feel the excitement yet.” And that is expected when you are leaving something you love. It’s been two weeks since I left my career in social work and I would say the excitement is still not here.
Being excited is living in a place of expectancy and eagerness for what is next. I live in a place of trust and expectancy for God’s plan for my life even when I do not know the next steps. And maybe someday the excitement will come but for now I will take the moments of joy that come and live in this place of trust. It is in this place of trust that I feel safe to continue to process what is going on inside of me even when I do not understand myself. But I know that I have a Father who knows myself more than I do. He is leading me through this season of life that seems so unfamiliar to me in some ways but yet so familiar in other ways.
***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this. They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***